I can’t believe that July was the last time I posted. JULY! I’m still not sure where I stand on blogging. I enjoy writing about my life and my thoughts because it helps me to put things into perspective, dig deeper into who I am and who I am becoming, as well as allow me to keep documentation of my life. A lot has changed recently (ironically, since my “changes” post in July). I got a new job, my sister moved away to Virginia, my boyfriend and I celebrated our 7 months together, I fired my therapist (long story), I’ve gained some much needed weight, and I have delved deeper into my passion for yoga. That’s a lot in 3 months, wouldn’t you agree?
I don’t want to talk about all those things, mainly because that would take way too long to write and a lot of it wouldn’t be worth reading anyways. I do, however, want to focus on 3 of those things- my boyfriend, my weight gain, and my yoga practice.
1. The Boy
Where do I even begin? After getting out of a not-so-healthy, two-year-long relationship I was scared–scared to be vulnerable, scared that I wasn’t good enough for any man, and scared to commit myself again to someone who wouldn’t understand the struggles I go through, and instead of picking me up and pushing me forward, would instead put me down. However, when I met Matt I knew things were different. Throughout the past seven months he has proven to me that I can be with someone else and still find myself, BE myself, and challenge myself all at the same time. I love with my whole heart now, and feel that love being reciprocated. He pushes me…gently, and reminds me every day how amazing I am. I definitely contribute some of my progress regarding my weight, confidence, and anxiety to him and our relationship. I couldn’t be happier with him if I tried.
Look at him being such a good boyfriend at the Big E ;-)
2. The Weight
Up until a few weeks ago, I had no idea what I weighed. I knew I wasn’t losing weight and that I was slowly gaining, but I didn’t know the number because I didn’t want to know. I even refused to get on the scale at my yearly physical, stating that my nutritionist was keeping track of it and there was no need for me to see it. That all changed, however, when I went to the gastroenterologist and thought that if I were to step on a scale at any doctor, this would be the one, as it is important for them to monitor my weight if they are going to make changes to help my long-going digestive issues. So I stepped on the scale and immediately regretted it. The scale showed at LEAST 5 pounds more than I thought, which in the grand scheme of things sounds silly and like “no big deal” but those five pounds signified a lot more to me. To me, those five pounds meant I was heavier than I had been in 8 years. Those five pounds meant that my inclinations that my pants were getting a lot tighter were correct. Those five pounds put me in the “normal” weight range (albeit, the very low end of normal). Those five pounds said, to me, that I no longer had an eating disorder.
It took a lot of processing, and another step on the scale just yesterday (it was even one pound more) for me to put those thoughts into perspective:
1. “I am heavier now than I have been in 8 years”–8 years ago I was 16 years old and very, very sick. Ever since then I have struggled day in and day out with my body image, the food I ate, my exercise, and everything in between. Those 8 years have been hell, and I am happier now. Plus, I SHOULD weigh more at 24 than at 16, or 17, or 18…etc.
2. “My pants are getting tighter”–I donated 4 pairs of pants yesterday, because they are not worth holding on to. Recovery means buying new clothes, and until I know that my weight gain train is over I will wear leggings, dresses, and comfortable jeans. It’s okay to get rid of jeans that I wore when I was sick because this is part of the process.
3. “I am in the “normal” weight range”–BMI wise. I have been practicing yoga and occasionally rock climbing. I have long legs and a short torso. I don’t even LIKE BMI. Plus…I want to be healthy, so this is GOOD.
4. “I no longer have an eating disorder”–false. I am in recovery from an Eating Disorder and still have a long way to go. Just because I don’t look like it any more doesn’t mean I haven’t struggled what I’ve struggled through. I am closer now to being recovered and being able to help those who are battling the same struggle I have and still do battle every day.
Since then, I have been holding on to this thought, which is a nice merge into my next topic of yoga–
“Don’t get hung up on what your body looks like; focus on what it can do!”
3. The Yoga
I’ve always practiced yoga on and off but never had an opportunity to stick with it and reap it’s full benefits. Since being a full-time employee for over two years now, I knew it was time to start doing something for myself. I began practicing yoga again about a year ago but did it on and off. A few months ago I took the financial leap and became a member of a local studio where I now go 1-2x per week. The other days I practice at home, and complete Instagram Yoga Challenges. They are fun and allow me to try poses I otherwise never would have heard of.
A few weeks ago one of the yoga instructors asked us to use the practice to ask ourselves “why do I do yoga”? I spent the remainder of the hour and fifteen minutes trying to figure out the true meaning, and have continued to ask myself ever since. Here is what I have come up with.
1. Yoga let’s me relax and unwind after a long day.
2. Yoga forces me to listen to my body, and go easier when I need to go easier and push myself when I feel like I can.
3. Yoga has allowed me to be more forgiving with my body, and myself. “Wherever you are is exactly where you need to be” 4. I feel confident on my yoga mat. I feel strong both emotionally and physically. I feel untouchable. I don’t care about what my body looks like–I focus on what it can do, and I set achievable goals for myself but don’t get upset if I don’t reach them. I treat myself well.
And most importantly….Yoga is FUN!!!
So there you have it….an update on some parts of my life. I’m actually currently sick with strep so I’m off to go binge watch Gilmore Girls and eat soup. I’ll leave you with this picture of a tree in my front yard, because it’s Fall and who doesn’t appreciate a good tree pic??